psst

i love u secret blog! u are my best friend and confidant. my myspace was my diaryish from 04 but this one is more private and intimate. i feel short of breath when i review the 00s what a fucking decade ah?

2010-

warning: pretty depressing shiz. worst time of my life ever. lowest of lows. pained mental state. anguish and sorrow as my life unfolded to an unfortunate, forlorn tragedy. i see no light in sight. darkness reigns. i miss him so. it kills me.

sunshine

i miss u. where have u gone? u desert me. vanish without a trace. incommunicato. why do u abandon me? ignore me? its so fragile, imperminant. i pine for you. long for you. your attention, being. yet i never know if/when i'll see you again. i beckon you. come to me. please.

life immitating "art"

what a dark, dramatic and twisted blog.

bday txt

so. i had hope until those messages back and forth from him. on my bday no less. all i wanted, my only gift was to see him. spend time with him. he wasn't willing. he rejected me. his answer was no. there's my answer. after 5/6 months of the unknown. suffering. what if. no.

i guess there's my closure. take my pain and try to make something productive of it. because he is done. there's my answer. it's final. i am to forget him. forget the love of my life. forget the happiest time of my life. it's over. it's done. never to enter my life again. he's gone and all i can do is deal. i made him leave. i have to deal with that. i have to cope. i have to live with myself. i love and miss him so much. and have to do so for the rest of my life. alone. no one has or will ever come close. i have doomed myself to a life of pain and solitude. i am over the river in egypt. i have passed denial. stark reality sets in. i am cold and dead inside. i will never live again.

i am dead.

desktop

ahh nothing like desktops. smart phones, laptops don't come close. i do my only and best work here. gives me clarity for some reason, and i can output more, faster. i need to get one. fark.

so

fuck this fucking shit. he's cute and all but the heartache. damn. ruined my life. why did he have to be a witty charming asian fetish lady killer dj bboy from vegas? why?!?! i was so entranced. spellbound. i will never forgive myself. i will never be as happy again.