shrimp scampi

almost did me in. man i was sick. i blame mercury. both the element and the planet is conspiring against me. damn geminis.

told off 2 dudes yesterday. everyone was pissing me the eff off. mercury in retrograde again. it both boiled down to a matter of respect. i demand it, and will use my words to get it. respect me or kick rocks.

each day is so drastically different. game changers left and right. i wonder what today will bring...good hopefully.

aquarius

Your Daily Horoscope
As you try to express your opinions today, you may have the feeling that someone is kicking sand in your face, Aquarius. Like a kid on the beach, you have nothing but the raw elements to use to defend yourself. Use one of your greatest gifts - the power of your mind - to combat the opposing force. Your ability to outsmart others will be your most powerful tool.


?:/

2 years of this blog

where i was, where i am now, i would've never guessed or predicted. it kills me dead. in a bad way. i miss blogging. have more to say now then ever. but each time of late i've been writing here has been through tears and sorrow. it hurts. it has to get out someway i suppose. i wonder if it's helping or harming??? it's pretty traumatic and emotional either way. but such is my emotional state currently. such is life. c'est la vie. je nais se pais.

corner of the sky

should i stay or should i go now? i am okay where i am. rent's gonna increase though. passive aggressive owner, but it'll be okay. these dudes aren't drama. good boys. me, a 32 year old chick with my 25 year old dude roomies. threes company. i will miss them.

i have to take this room i think. it's for the best. life keeps throwing curve balls. i'm whiffing away with the occasional foul.

de ville

you are no good. you don't respect me. you don't love me. contrary to what you said. i can't believe you. i want to, but i can't. everything out of your mouth is a lie. we could find some happiness together, but not until you come clean and be honest with yourself. i am washing my hands of you. i need to turn off the attraction. i remember reading in psych 101 that when people are attracted to you that makes them more attractive in your eyes. the bulk of it is probably that. your attraction makes you more attractive.

because i have to deal with you at least once a week, i have to put on the acting face. play possum. friends close, enemies closer. art of war. i must become more manipulative and conniving. all just to survive in this toxic babylonian society. just to fit in. game on i guess. with you, i have to be ruthless, because that's what i'm dealing with. i will supress my true feelings and good intentions, and play the game. i can't expect anything good from you because you are bad. i know this, now must be strong enough to follow through. you answered some of my questions, it has to be enough. all i need to know/hear. you have to be dead to me. you aren't yet, but will be. it's on you. we are done. goodbye.

brick wall

it hurts my heart so badly that i get nowhere talking to you. i die with each dry prefunctory interaction. sets me into a deep depression. i don't want to give up on you or us. but this is killing me. i am a walking ghost. helpless. life is in control and has the reigns, not i. ghostride the whip. just along for the rollercoaster right now. swirling and twisting in the nadirs and abysses currently. i will continue to live like this for the rest of my life, or until we are back together. it might be the former, but that's just my tragic lot in life i have to suffer through. how about them apples? rotten. i love you. i hate me. that's why we are in this horrible prediciment. i'm sorry.

i know you

been stalking you online. what a presence. it captivates and mystifies me. your words pierce my soul. we are speaking the same language. i'm not talking about english either. you are so familiar to me. shakes me to the core. moves mountains. we are cut from the same cloth. one in the same. come to me like i came to you. i am drawn to you. like butter for a maine lobster. lol. we have to see this through. this can't be over yet. things left unsaid and undone. we have a date with fate and destiny if they exist. you effect/have effected me too much for this not to be true. you need me. i am what you need. i am here. don't do this to you, to me, to us. don't deny this. i am trying so hard to be patient. now please. now.

"it is what it is"

of all the trite mundane banal sayings, this irritates me the most. empty words. save your breath. it's a cop out. it means nothing. what is it? it is it? it should be banned from the vernacular.

love

this has been the most trying year of my life. i lost my true love. my one and only. my soulmate. he's gone. my fault. all i can do is hope and pray. situation looks and feels bleak. it will take an act of God for him to come back. i've been so lost and miserable. dead from the inside out. i lost perspective. took his love for granted. and now i am wallowing in a state of misery. missing my better half. he made everything better. everything is worse in his absence. i am my own worst enemy. it is as if i didn't want happiness for myself, and i threw it away. sabotaged the best thing to happen to me. what i fought so hard for. i hate myself. it is so hard to live with myself. stuck in pain and unhappiness. with a person i detest. me of course.

"they" say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. bull fucking shit. this hurts. blinding, numbing, suicide pondering, nightmarish, sleep robbing, crippling pain.

i haven't blogged here in so long. forgot about it. this blog was errected in the best of times. if i looked back on the entries written during the my happiest times with him i swear i will combust. i'm glad i documented it. immortalized. perhaps one day i will be able to relive it. i was so happy! i had it all...dear God why did i do such a thing? why did i destroy something so beautiful and right? i love him so much. he loved me with everything. he gave me the world. i threw it away. i am a monster. i am in a world of hurt.