love

this has been the most trying year of my life. i lost my true love. my one and only. my soulmate. he's gone. my fault. all i can do is hope and pray. situation looks and feels bleak. it will take an act of God for him to come back. i've been so lost and miserable. dead from the inside out. i lost perspective. took his love for granted. and now i am wallowing in a state of misery. missing my better half. he made everything better. everything is worse in his absence. i am my own worst enemy. it is as if i didn't want happiness for myself, and i threw it away. sabotaged the best thing to happen to me. what i fought so hard for. i hate myself. it is so hard to live with myself. stuck in pain and unhappiness. with a person i detest. me of course.

"they" say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. bull fucking shit. this hurts. blinding, numbing, suicide pondering, nightmarish, sleep robbing, crippling pain.

i haven't blogged here in so long. forgot about it. this blog was errected in the best of times. if i looked back on the entries written during the my happiest times with him i swear i will combust. i'm glad i documented it. immortalized. perhaps one day i will be able to relive it. i was so happy! i had it all...dear God why did i do such a thing? why did i destroy something so beautiful and right? i love him so much. he loved me with everything. he gave me the world. i threw it away. i am a monster. i am in a world of hurt.