midnight sesh

ahh, night surfing. i rip.

i need to get this sleeping time zone thing down soon!??

surfing the new vortex of time facebook i ran into pics of my first real person crush. donnie wahlberg is my first celebrity crush, but i feel so bad and want to apologize to my first real person crush, he dealt with it rather gracefully i must say.

i was gross, and he wasn't interested. i felt in my heart we belonged together. i pined for him. the first time i encountered him, i was instantly attracted. poor thing.

fast forward through some strange episodes, and we actually made out twice as a result. ages ago and about a decade apart. LOL. it's so random!!!

anyhoo, from what i could gather from my classmates photos, he's a happy doctor with a hot chick now. i wish him the best and my eternal apologies!!!

on another morbid note, what's wrong with me?! i've been googling things such as "japan train suicides" etc. disturbia.

i now know the song that was tourmenting me from the narita shuttle till i passed out on the plane going to lax. it was the new john legend song. irritating and catchy.

now that i'm home my thoughts drift to distant lands. when i was away my thoughts drifted to pru. i was always wondering what she was doing and wanted to see her triangle face.

facebook

not feeling that online net. after about a month of inactivity, i log on and see friend requests. but it's different, more like "this is your life" different. elementary friends popping out of the woodwork. more intimate. past acquaintances. people i knew when i was going through even more horribly awkward stages if you can imagine that. in terms of awkwardness, i am the queen. pondering deleting my profile, as i have been on the hermit tip of late.

O2

i was grateful for every breath i took in that country. along with the sweet, pristine air, i also sucked in the intangible that give and enrich life. nourishment from air, we cannot live without air. the spirits and energy filled me up, and i was content with the delicious chi that came with simply existing in that space. i came alive with the electricity that manifested from my lungs to my entire being.

the air quality here is questionable. i was enamored by the romantic vibe of ocean's gang and the rat packers of long ago, but i can now detect a stale whiff of desperation that lingers like cigarette smoke. a city that attracts the criminal element and all the feng shui that goes with it. the famed las vegas blvd skyline has somewhat lost it's shiny luster as i venture beneath the glossy exterior.

aftermath

damn, i haven't eaten that good in a long time. 12 years perhaps. i'm crazy for japanese food. perhaps my fav. the spaghetti from the ampm is gourmet. delicious snacks surround. every meal i relished and savored.

i just had roast chicken pringels. along with melon soda hard candy just like how i remembered. nostalgic tastes like jelly fruit candy from my relatives in osaka i got at my grandma's house. it is an old friend. it tickles my tongue and i shiver with delight.

my thoughts drift to a busy intersection in shibuya. wishing i was there in the dodging crowds. walking until your feet hurt, yet you want to walk forever in the streets, people watching and shopping. a lot of ground to cover in a limited time.

or a quiet onsen in machiko, where alkaline cuisine is served on pottery which was our primary reason for the inconvenient trek.

or to the standing udon restaurant under osaka station. turn the corner and you are in hankyu department store that's like a deluxe shirokiya top floor. the food and fruit are delicious. turn the other way and you're at the asnas that sells gari gari popsicles.

or to the pristine, ancient rooms in the numerous temples and castles of shogunate.

to the okonomiyaki restaurant they took us too, the 9 of us filled the seats.

c.c. lemon. calpis. aquarius. mitsuya cider. melon soda. teas.

ohaiyogozaimasu!konichiwa!moshimoshi!konnbanwa!arigatoo!kawaii!ikura desuka?doko ni arimasuka?

essu saizu arimasuka?

something something something urikire something.

ah, sumimasen!

gomenasai.yokata!mada ne?daisuki!hai, kore to.onigaishimasu. gochisosamadeshita.

the synthetic lights from the trains as the played their unique melodies. the shinkansen where we played scrabble (i was leading by 20). the delicious station food.

we're happy you can't buy the new era japanese baseball hats online and mike's solo trip to tokyo station wasn't in vain. i have a grand collection of kitty chan stuff now. the fruit on a stick guy by yurakucho. the nice security guard trying to help us find snobby ono jiro's restaurant by the barkery and the sony building. 0101. 109. nishi ginza.

momo paradise, all you can eat sukiyaki/shabu shabu/heaven. tokyu hands. kiddy land and asbee in harajuku. tea time near the kaiyukan in osaka. buffet near the station. kyoto style lunch box.

the snack shop in ueno (thanks lori). we all had our sushi in ginza anyway with mr. kobayashi. and chinese food with tomoe. and hoto in the only place you can get it, yamanashi. went to the fifth station of fujisan. played with birds and owls nearby the old 500 yen back view.

i regret not buying more books at narita airport. the content fascinated me more than the hudson bookstores in las and lax. and you got an awesome paper jacket.

it oddly felt like home. i was at peace. infinitely happy, grateful and blessed. it's everything i stand for. perfection.

let's all go again soon. please!?

my heart is heavy, warm and full. ipai was the most often word used on the trip. we ate till we were stuffed every meal.

this is the happiest i've been in awhile.

i got to experience these full days in beloved cities and have these wonderful experiences with the people i love the most in the world. it was bliss and i am so grateful for being able to explore a city with them. it was heaven. i wish we lived in the same city forever and it would never end. the distance between us all cripples me. i wish it lasted forever.

homecoming

we've come full circle. it all seems like a distant beautiful dream now...

after a grueling 10 hour flight, i got a cheerful "welcome home!" from the immigration inspector in l.a. caught me off guard and i smiled back. the politeness ended there. pushing and shoving in the airport. brash americans seizing all they survey with brute force. he is i and i is him, slim with the tilted grin. who am i trying to kid? this is my homeland. the language, accent and swagger. be it ever so humble, there's no place like home. back to the amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesties.

sabeshi

all good things must come to an end...i'm dreadfully sad...i've had something to look forward to all year. now it's over :(

a full day of traveling awaits us. we fly high, no lie, you know this. far, far away from the motherland. even though i'm 3 generations removed (sansei) and 3/4ths confirmed japanese (1/4th is m.i.a. - long story), i'm truly a native daughter. just like hawaii has it's aloha spirit, japan has a different spirit. indescribable, but i have it. a combo of the most painfully polite people who are at the same time effortlessly rude. the highest suicide rate of a developed country. there were 3 "accidents" on tokyo trains announced yesterday which holds to the 3 line jumper suicide rates per day average. residents don't blink an eye, but as a gaigin i was shaken up as my imagination flew to dark places from lack of news because it is a common everyday occurrence. how can you be depressed amongst such splendor? so vibrant, yet so morose. i relate to the vivid morbid curiosity. everything is honor code/system here. the descendants of samurai, geisha, ronin etc. flood the streets as life is lived outdoors in the lineal society. a land of paradoxes. a synthetic, genuine society. a place of blinding neon and smiles that warm the heart. *single tear*

we are already planning another trip. backpacking through japan. seems to make more sense then backpacking through europe. my friend and her boyfriend got mugged and he got beat up by a group of teenagers in italy. i wouldn't do the cliche because that crime scared me out of it and lack of convenient rail system. our plan is to get a jr rail pass with 2 light bags so our material possessions won't hold us down like this time. it was a logistical nightmare traveling train to train with these massive suitcases. but we are americans, a young country with much to learn that does things to excess. we'll island hop, and stay where the wind takes us. i can't wait. hopefully we wont wait until the next year of the rat to come here again...

gotta pack then go to the ampm to squirrel away some flan flavored kitkat. then back to sin...

greetings from tokyooooooo

the grand finale!!! we're staying in ginza. love all of japan, but tokyo is the piece de resistance! i'm a kansai girl by heart and origin, but there's something about the energy and electricity of tokyo that thrills me like no other. i'm a city girl. just checking in, i have to see the city even though i'm exausted. it's been a long 3 train ride from tochigi, mashiko, as they proclaimed at the train station, a country town. more to come...

益子 から よろしく

ときょ　生きましょ。　温泉　大好き。　

greetings from kofu

where is kofu you ask? it's pretty remote. next to fuji, it's the capital of yamanashi-ken. country grammar. dueling shamisens. my sister taught 3 years here in the jet program so we are staying with the landlords for a couple days. we took the shinkansen from osaka then the subway to shizuoka, then the fujikawa 9 to kofu where we were the laughing stocks. we were traveling with a billion bags and the mean conductor was being a dick making us play musical suitcases moving it here and there on the empty train. jerk. but now we're here and i feel like i've stepped into an episode of maison ikkoku. manga really does reflect the culture! i semi know what to expect from city to country. despite my manga into, this nation still blows my mind, i am in awe.

greetings from osaka

gotta go soon, but while waiting for checkout, decided to blog a quick holla. i love it here. never want to leave...i am happy and grateful...goodness...

greetings from l.a.

last 3 days were a whirlwind. racing and rushing the clock until departure. at the buzzer i managed to find rail tickets! chee! all while working too. then yesterday worked then went to mike's niece's wedding. she's older than him. saw 2 people from hawaii i knew there and it reinforced how small hawaii really is. at the reception while we were waiting for our table assignment we joked that it's probably in the nosebleeds. they told us we were at table 1. i said to mike, hmm, that doesn't sound like boonie land. sure enough we were at the head table! from supporting role to major player in the wedding! it was random.

i took a 2 hour cat nap because i was exhausted. then woke up at around 3 to pack. mike passed out and told me to wake him up to get omiyage at walmart. he looked so peaceful so i let him sleep and ventured out alone into the scary dark at a scary hour.

it must be from the "first 48" marathons, but i'm increasingly skittish. the newest email hoax is that to be initiated in a gang in vegas you must shoot a woman pumping gas in the head like some sick scavenger hunt.

some dude just left his bags unattended by mine. i should stuff all my drugs in his bags. j/k, i have none and i'm kicking myself for not bringing a clandestine lollipop, but whatever. looks like i'm going about this sober. the crutch is gone and i must depend on a natural high.

so of course at 4 a.m. i have to get gas to run the quick errand, so i pump lighting speed 2 gallons and continue to walmart where all i can find is beef jerky.

mike is back from the bathroom (number 2!) so i'll wrap this up and be social for the rest of the layover. we're going to watch tv on the slingbox which is pretty cool.

suzuku...

jacket

10/11/08 the first real day of winter. it went from 0 to 60. time for covered shoes. or maybe the legwarmers will work?

so starts the cold season. i, however, like a warmer climate. and carbs! i've been eating carbs and wheat like there's no tomorrow. i'm addicted and probably allergic to them and am a true type o that digests proteins the best because i crave them 24/7.

i haven't been getting restful sleep this week. i'm too anxious!!!!!~!

my shuffle list played "big poppa" and "i aint mad at'cha" back to back. are you guys trying to send me a message from beyond?

mercury in retrograde

today at work i sliced the fleshy underside of my right hand with a box cutter while trying to cut a box with it. i howled at a red strip of blood appeared shortly after the incision. there's something super gross about slicing. the reason why paper cuts are a special kind of traumatic.

so my recent daily yoga run stopped at 4 lol. it's a job in itself. drowning in sweat, dodging bossy teachers, rushing to beat the clock.

i was too exhausted after work to do anything. i helped this elderly couple from scottsdale, and they were so sweet. we we're playing "paper moon", and the husband started whistling along and i could tell it put them in a good mood. he was a podiatrist, and they started reminiscing about one of his first jobs as a shoe salesman. he's a foot guy i guess.

the duration of the day for some reason i buried myself in the lame busywork in the backroom.

i need a hair cut! i think after i change my chi like that it will be better. i want to go to my friend, but we can't get it coordinated. at the same time i want to grow my hair hula long, like the look, hate the feel.

i'm not ready for japan!!! feels like there's still alot to do. convert money, rail tickets, pack, find out where to stay in osaka, figure out how to meet up with the fam. important things like that still need to be ironed out. i'm happy to flee the comforting monotany of daily routiene and shake it up.

i've been playing mcdonalds monopoly way too much since it's come out. the fries are deadly sinful. it's a shame how happy they make me. i've been eating too much junk food. had to make a note to self not to go to the jack in the box drive through next to my house after recognizing the drive through attendant from yesterday. i looked and felt like a crazy cat lady bachelorette and covered my face with my dodger in a lame attempt of going incog.

the good life

got to take prupru to a dog park we've always been meaning to take her to, and a sweet surprise was her cousin sasha a mini schnauzer was there at her daily haunt. they recognized each other immediately after months of no contact. they we're so energetic and seeing them play happily made my heart smile. we'll try to take her more often.

then polished off a #3 meal from in n out in convincing fashion.

kikyo/kagome

the relationship between kikyo and kagome in inuyasha captivates me. the reincarnate dealing with her predecessor who now has to steal souls to exist because her soul is now in kagome. kikyo is a tragic figure. a benevolent shell left to wander feudal, mystical japan after a series of horrific events lead to her demise. her only fault was being a priestess that has to fight for good.

if my bro and i say the same thing at the same time one more time, i'm going batty. one day we showed up wearing the same outfit even! well it was a wife beater which isn't that uncommon of a shirt, but nonetheless it was weird. i like wearing white wife beaters. it's part of my cross dressing fetish. if i were a drag king (which i kind of am mildly), my name would be caesar salad. hahaha. but i digress. he's kagome to my kikyo. it's like we're the same soul in two bodies. i've gone from thinking he's my soul little brother to my reincarnate. but i'm not dead yet! well, maybe a little behind the eyes.

not again

when's the last time you've heard of a booming, prosperous, stable, soild american economy? i'm sick of all the bad economic news. i guess it's easier to report and write about the negative on small and big scales. why is that?

teachers

as i take more classes, there's about a handful of teachers i avoid at yoga. because i've had issues with authority my whole life, i'm hyper sensitive to instruction. the teachers i respond to are pretty cut and dry, and the only time they stray from the script is to give encouragement. i need the super positive guru. some believe it or not point out some students and hold up the entire class to wait for the student to move a microinch into the posture that the casual student (which we all pretty much are) will always strive to perfect because honestly, there is no perfection in those postures. you can always be straighter or stronger, that's the beauty of yoga, perfection is unattainable, yet motivating. you can always be better. they can pick out flaws in every person in the room, so why do it? why be negative?

anyway, some are drill sergeants, and they put me in a bad state of mind. stop barking at us! even if it's not me they're calling on, i want to tell them to leave the people they're picking on alone. i'll say something if they become a monkey on my back, so they resent my willfulness. but now that they post the teachers online, i avoid them so we're all happy.

too bad about the stupid teachers though. baffles my mind that they choose to conduct their class that way. they fail, choose a new livelihood, teaching is not for you. it makes all the difference in the world.

autopilot

substance abuse might be catching up to me like all the medical field says, but i've been here physically but not mentally. i shouldn't blame the substances, my whole life i've been like that just when sugar was my only vice. in flight or fight, one defense they have failed to mention is glaze over. i'll transcend my body and miss what just happened on earth. baffles me and my company when i snap out of the daze and have to ask for the recap. i was there in body but my space cowboy mind was traipsing through Lord knows where. i hope my representative subconscious was on their best behavior.

what's real and what's reality anymore? buddha say, "with our thoughts we shape the world".

how to lose friends and alienate people

i can be very negative and chaotic at times. a ball of darkness and fear. this is why i withdraw and need to be alone. i don't like interacting with people when i'm in such a mood. i hate it. i want to be happy and on all the time. ready for public access. when i retreat from the world it's because i have to ride out my negativity storm. i guess the cliche is wrong, misery doesn't love company. it's stuff that i have to work through alone so i don't offend anyone and have them think less of me.

there's an anger in me i can identify. probably had it all my life. i was an unpleasant child at times and remember hellish situations due to me being a terrible person. am i good?

i want to be good person, i do, i do. like anakin skywalker. all roads of deep life reflection lead to star wars.

what is a good person? mike is a good person. i could tell and he confirmed that he has always been the popular kid. people are just drawn to him. he is positive, scary smart, successful, happy, confident and accomplished. everyone wants him in his corner. he's a powerful and enlightened person. a true dragon. he hardly needs time away from everyone. my days off i could sleep all day and just exist in a room doing "nothing". aloofness and peace.

i have a gift for seeing good in people and appreciating it. yet i can't analyze myself or see some of my goodness. the flaws are the things that stand out. and it makes me sad. which is probably the source that plummets me into the depths of despair. i hate being paranoid of myself. blah.