how to lose friends and alienate people

i can be very negative and chaotic at times. a ball of darkness and fear. this is why i withdraw and need to be alone. i don't like interacting with people when i'm in such a mood. i hate it. i want to be happy and on all the time. ready for public access. when i retreat from the world it's because i have to ride out my negativity storm. i guess the cliche is wrong, misery doesn't love company. it's stuff that i have to work through alone so i don't offend anyone and have them think less of me.

there's an anger in me i can identify. probably had it all my life. i was an unpleasant child at times and remember hellish situations due to me being a terrible person. am i good?

i want to be good person, i do, i do. like anakin skywalker. all roads of deep life reflection lead to star wars.

what is a good person? mike is a good person. i could tell and he confirmed that he has always been the popular kid. people are just drawn to him. he is positive, scary smart, successful, happy, confident and accomplished. everyone wants him in his corner. he's a powerful and enlightened person. a true dragon. he hardly needs time away from everyone. my days off i could sleep all day and just exist in a room doing "nothing". aloofness and peace.

i have a gift for seeing good in people and appreciating it. yet i can't analyze myself or see some of my goodness. the flaws are the things that stand out. and it makes me sad. which is probably the source that plummets me into the depths of despair. i hate being paranoid of myself. blah.